For decades, much of the wealth management industry operated under a familiar assumption: the husband managed the family’s wealth, and the advisor directed most financial conversations toward him.
But in the more than 30 years we’ve been working with clients, we’ve seen that dynamic shift significantly. Women are increasingly engaged in decisions about family wealth and, in many cases, taking the lead. They’re often the ones asking questions, setting priorities, and determining the direction of the family’s wealth.
Yet old assumptions persist. Some advisors, and spouses, still assume one spouse wants to lead the conversation and that the other has little interest. Sometimes that’s accurate. Other times it’s simply a dynamic that has gone unquestioned for years.
Understanding that difference matters. A strong advisory relationship should reflect how a family actually makes decisions, not how anyone assumes they do.
WHY WE NEVER ASSUME
We once spent several years developing a relationship with a senior corporate executive who was approaching retirement. As the conversations became more substantive about their next phase, we encouraged him to bring his wife into the meeting.
His initial response was that she didn’t get involved in the finances. We asked to meet her anyway so we could understand what mattered to her and give her an opportunity to ask questions.
The three of us eventually met for lunch. The portfolio materials stayed in the briefcase. Instead, we spent 90 minutes simply getting to know one another.
The next morning, her husband called with a realization: it wasn’t that his wife didn’t want to be involved. He had simply never asked. More importantly, their current/previous advisor had never tried to involve her or even get to know her. The wife brought another important point to light: she felt that statistically, she would likely someday be responsible for the family’s financial life without her husband. She wanted an advisor she knew and felt comfortable with when that time came.
Years later, the wife explained that what gave her comfort wasn’t knowing every detail of their investment plan. Instead, it was knowing that if she ever needed to call us, she could and that we understood and cared for her whole family, not just her husband.
Participation does not have to mean equal interest, equal knowledge, or equal involvement in every meeting. It means both spouses have an opportunity to establish the level of engagement that’s right for them.
TAILORING THE APPROACH
For some couples, the traditional joint meeting works well. For others, we take a different approach.
One client often had questions during our joint meetings with her husband but preferred to raise them afterward, when she could discuss them without feeling rushed. Over time, we changed the way we met with the family. Now, when we visit, we meet with the wife separately over lunch before sitting down with the couple together. This gives her space to ask whatever she wants, while the joint conversation allows the couple to make decisions together.
Effective inclusion doesn’t mean requiring both spouses to attend every meeting or receive the same level of detail. It means creating an environment where each person can participate meaningfully and recognizing that “meaningful participation” may look different from one spouse to the other.
RECOGNIZING WHO IS LEADING
Including both spouses also requires advisors to recognize who is driving the financial decisions.
One woman we work with manages significant family wealth and oversees the family business. Her husband is a highly accomplished surgeon whose interests lie almost entirely in medicine with little concern for the family’s investment plan.
One of her advisory firms nevertheless insisted that her husband attend an investment meeting. After much resistance from him and pushback from the firm, he rearranged his demanding schedule only to deliver a simple message: his wife was far more qualified to make these decisions than he was, and requiring his presence suggested that the firm did not respect her authority or expertise.
His only directive regarding their family’s investments was that they discontinue working with that firm. Shortly thereafter, she moved those assets away from that firm.
This doesn’t mean every wife should lead the financial relationship any more than it means every husband should. It means advisors need to understand the dynamic in front of them and not make any assumptions. There is no longer a “norm.”
This is a relational nuance we’re adamant about honoring at Vardhan. We encourage both spouses to be involved as much as they’re comfortable, but one spouse may naturally take the lead, and we respect that. The key is that the dynamic evolves from the clients’ intentional decisions, not from assumptions about who “should” be in charge.
MORE INVOLVEMENT, BETTER PLANNING
When both spouses have a voice, their perspectives can materially shape the financial plan.
For one family we work with, the wife expressed discomfort with the amount of leverage and risk within their portfolio. Rather than dismissing that concern because the family had sufficient wealth to withstand volatility, we adjusted the strategy and reduced leverage.
She also raised another question: if the couple had accumulated more wealth than they expected to need, why should they wait until their passing to give it to their children?
That conversation led to a broader discussion about transferring wealth during the couple’s lifetime. Instead of focusing solely on growing their net worth, they began considering how a portion of that growth could be placed in trusts for their children, allowing the couple to share their wealth intentionally while maintaining appropriate safeguards.
Neither spouse needed to “win” the conversation. One was comfortable assuming more risk; the other wanted greater security. One perspective helped identify opportunities for growth, while the other prompted questions about how much risk was necessary and how accumulated wealth could begin serving the next generation.
Our role is to understand both perspectives and build a strategy that accounts for them.
THE IMPORTANCE OF STRONG ADVISORY RELATIONSHIPS
Another practical reason both spouses should have a strong relationship with their advisor: a surviving spouse should not have to meet the family’s financial advisor for the first time while grieving. They should already know the broad contours of their plan, who is helping carry it forward, and feel comfortable asking for guidance.
We’ve worked with surviving spouses who felt comfortable continuing the planning process because the relationship had been established well before it was ever needed.
MAKING ROOM AT THE TABLE
At Vardhan, we encourage both spouses to participate on some level, even when one person prefers to handle most financial decisions. This helps ensure both people are heard, understand what they want to understand, and feel comfortable reaching out when they have questions or need guidance.
As women assume a larger role in managing and directing family wealth, that approach becomes even more important. But ultimately, this idea isn’t about women or men. It’s about recognizing that multiple people are affected by financial planning decisions, and every stakeholder deserves to take the seat at the table that suits them.
Individual client experiences vary. Testimonials are not representative of all clients and there is no assurance that a client will experience similar results or success. This material includes the experience of current clients, and no benefit or compensation was paid in exchange for these testimonials.